The Relationship Query
by ithaswhatitisnt
Summary: Songfic using Jake Owen's "Alone With You". Sheldon wants to test his hypothesis that love exists.  So he asks Penny. What happens next shocks him and her. Oneshot.


My very first Shenny! Sorry if my Sheldon isn't as Sheldon-y as he should be, I'm still trying to get a feel for him. Not literally, geez. ^^ Enjoy!

Lyics are from "Alone With You" by Jake Owen, who is awesome sauce.

I don't own Big Bang Theory, nor do I own Jake Owen and his music, as cool as that would be. Maybe someday, when pigs fly and Sheldon finally solves the mysteries of string theory...

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><p><em><strong>I don't see you laugh<strong>_

_**You don't call me back**_

_**But you kiss me when you're drunk**_

_**I don't know your friends**_

_**Don't know where you've been**_

_**Why are you the one I want?**_

For the first time in his life, Sheldon wished that he believed in a God. Then he could have a plausible explanation for the physical fluctuations in his daily routine whenever Penny was around. He didn't understand. And of course, as a physicist, he needed a reasonable scientific explanation for everything.

The only semi-conceivable elucidation for his physical reactions to Penny would be, as horrifyingly against the idea as he was, that he was in love with her. How else could Sheldon explain the tingling near his mediastinum whenever Penny was near? He couldn't expound on the strange bouts of sweating he was prone to when she was around. He found pleasure in making her smile, or, even better, making her giggle. Sheldon wanted a solid, perfectly factual explanation of why, after years of staying silent, his body began expressing signs of desire. Especially this insane desire for _Penny_, of all people. He was part Vulcan, or so he believed; Vulcans did not fall prey to this sort of human temptation.

But Sheldon Cooper was unfortunately not a Vulcan. He was definitely a man. There was some strange part of Sheldon that was intrigued to see what would come of his human wants and desires.

There was an incredibly large obstacle standing in Sheldon's way, to prevent him from carrying out the experiment he so desperately wanted to perform. That would be Penny herself.

Sheldon tried to convince himself that the physical fluctuations were absolutely nothing. He was not allowed to feel anything for Penny, because firstly he had no emotions, and secondly, even if he did, he wasn't allowed to feel anything for his roommate's paramour.

_**So put your lips up to my mouth and tell me you can't stay**_

_**Don't slip your hand under my shirt and tell me it's ok**_

_**Don't say it doesn't matter 'cause it's gonna matter to me**_

_**I can't be alone with you got me out on the edge every time you call**_

_**And I know it would kill me if I fall**_

_**I can't be alone with you**_

All Sheldon knew was that, contrary to what he had previously believed to be true, and fitting with his mother's beliefs, well, Hell was a real place. It was here, on Earth, watching Penny fall for one homunculus after another when she should have noticed him, Sheldon, _homo Novus,_ noticing her. He noticed even the minutest of changes, and yet, she had no idea. Sheldon, who had no accurately measureable IQ and was absolutely clueless when it came to human emotions, was better able to sense Penny's distress, her elation, her paranoia, than even Leonard, who desperately wanted a carnal relationship with her, and he was able to pick up on her smashed state when she had had the worst day of her life at the Cheesecake Factory that particular day.

Sheldon considered going to Leonard for advice, of all useless endeavors. But the thought rebelled against his scientist's brain. Penny was properly Leonard's; Sheldon just couldn't steal Penny away from Leonard, given that there was a one in an infinite chance that he, Sheldon Lee Cooper, could indeed steal her away from Leonard. _Of course_, Sheldon thought to himself_, there is nothing that Leonard has that I don't have. I have infinitely more assets than him, and that is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg!_

_**Please don't chain that door**_

_**I can't win this war**_

_**Your body's like a pill I shouldn't take**_

_Knock, knock, knock_: "Penny?"

_Knock, knock, knock_: "Penny?"

_Knock, knock, knock_: "Penny?"

The door was opened, and there she stood in all her breathtaking blond glory. Sheldon felt his breath hitch in his throat, and he could feel his left eye begin to twitch embarrassingly.

"Hi, Sheldon, honey. What's up?"

"Good morning, Penny. May I come in? I have something I wish to discuss with you."

"Sure, sweetie. Come on in." Penny backed up and tossed some of her dirty laundry off the couch so Sheldon and she could sit. She sat down ungracefully, and patted the seat next to her.

"Take a load off, Sheldon. What's on your mind?"

"A number of things, Penny. And how exactly could I take a load off when I wasn't carrying a load to begin with?" Penny opened her mouth to begin the explanation of the expression when Sheldon raised a hand and said, "Ah, I see. An expression, correct?" Penny nodded, and Sheldon let a smile come up.

"So, what did you want to discuss?" Penny asked, eyes shining. And that's when Sheldon realized: she was drunk. She was hopelessly, out of her skull, drunk as a skunk drunk. He had thought it strange when she was kind to him instead of her usual scathing greeting.

_I can't do it_, Sheldon told himself. _I will not take advantage of her in her drunken state._

"Penny," he began, "perhaps we could move this discussion to a time better suited for you, say, when you're not so drunk you can't even spell your own name." He hated insulting her inferior intelligence, but it was only in his nature.

"Sheldon, I'm not drunk. If you don't believe me, smell my breath," Penny ordered, and Sheldon recoiled, not wanting to get near that cesspool of germs Penny called her mouth. As though reading his mind, Penny leaned in closer and growled, "Look, I brushed my teeth this morning for _five freaking minutes_. I gargled with Scope. I swear to God, or whoever or whatever it is you believe in, that my mouth is pretty much germ-free. Smell it," she barked, and Sheldon's eye began to twitch as he leaned in close. He inhaled and detected her spearmint Scope, her cinnamon toothpaste, and absolutely no liquor anywhere. For a moment, he felt lightheaded, and wondered if it were possible to get 'high' off her smell. He detected a trace of vanilla and concluded it must have been in her perfume.

"If you're not inebriated, then why on Earth are your eyes shining? Why are you being so uncharacteristically kind to me?" Sheldon asked with all the innocence of a child.

"I _was_ having a good day before you walked in," Penny admitted, putting extreme emphasis on 'was'. "That's why my eyes are all shiny. And I was being nice 'cause it's a good day to be nice." She shrugged, and Sheldon tried to remove his glued eyes from where they had fallen on the lingerie strap peeking out from her shirt. How could he fall so low? So pathetically _human_?

"So we can have our initial discussion now?" Sheldon inquired, and Penny okayed it.

"Penny, lately it has come to my attention that I can no longer be alone with you." Penny was about to protest that they were alone at that moment, but Sheldon raised a hand to silence her. "I understand that my statement is a bit of a paradox, seeing as how we are alone right at this second. But, Penny," he gulped, nervous, and Penny was enjoying watching him squirm. "Penny, I…I have been experiencing alarming symptoms lately, and I think that we can no longer spend time together. The symptoms are around when we are alone, and they are intensified when we are with the rest of our social circle. Although it pains me to say it, I will miss your companionship." Sheldon very carefully wrapped his arms around Penny, and he tried to ignore the spark of electricity that shocked him when he touched her. Sheldon couldn't explain the spark, but he welcomed it.

Penny smirked. She knew exactly what was going on. She could finally say she knew something that Dr. Whackadoodle didn't.

"Sheldon, honey, why don't you tell me about your symptoms? Now, you say they're only around when I'm around. Tell me more about them," she said, attempting to contain her glee at seeing him so uncomfortable.

_**So put your lips up to my mouth and tell me you can't stay**_

_**Don't slip your hand under my shirt and tell me it's ok**_

_**Don't say it doesn't matter 'cause it's gonna matter to me**_

_**I can't be alone with you got me out on the edge every time you call**_

_**And I know it would kill me if I fall**_

_**I can't be alone with you**_

"Very well. When around you, and only you, Penny, there is an odd tingling around my mediastinum and ribs. Around my heart, if you will, for you common folk. You know very well that I never perspire, and yet, when around you, my underarms suddenly become more flooded with perspiration than if the Hoover Dam had exploded. I lay awake for hours at night, hearing your voice in my head singing 'Soft Kitty' and I wish that you were there in person singing to me. I crave the feel of your flesh on mine. I want your lips on mine. Now, I did some research and discovered that…" Sheldon's findings were never going to be told, because at that point Penny covered his mouth with hers, and she felt the same spark that Sheldon had been describing.

For never having been kissed, Sheldon Lee Cooper was an extraordinarily good kisser. His mouth was soft, moving gently in sync with Penny's, and he actually went as far to move his tongue along her teeth. Penny thought that weird, even for Sheldon, and so she broke the kiss.

She opened her eyes to see him looking at her, a deer in headlights.

"Sheldon, honey, are you okay?"

"Was that supposed to be as electric as it felt? Fascinating," Sheldon said, turning a bright scarlet.

"Sheldon, sweetie, you're in love," Penny said with a giggle, and Sheldon stared at her.

"That's impossible! Love is a neurochemical imbalance, and I can assure you, Penny, that my neurochemicals are in perfect balance."

"Everything you described, sweetie, it's love, or lovesickness, whichever you prefer."

"Oh, dear Lord, Penny, I want it again. I want to kiss you again. But I can't. You're Leonard's. And I'm a scientist. I'm _homo Novus_. I cannot have these feelings."

"Sheldon, I'm not anyone's. Not Leonard's, not Howard's, definitely not Raj's, and I wouldn't object to being yours, if you want me to be. Having me around would alleviate some of the symptoms," Penny said, and Sheldon twiddled his thumbs together.

"You used the word 'alleviate'," Sheldon said, letting out his strange laugh.

"I did," said Penny, smiling. "Look, Sheldon, I really, really like you too."

"I love you, Penny," said Sheldon, and he smiled after he said it, because he knew it was as true as the anecdote about Schrodinger's cat.

_**So put your lips up to my mouth and tell me you can't stay**_

_**Don't slip your hand under my shirt and tell me it's ok**_

_**Don't say you love me 'cause you know you're gonna love me and leave**_

_**I can't be alone with you got me out on the edge every time you call**_

_**And I know it would kill me if I fall**_

_**I can't be alone with you**_

_**I don't see you laugh**_

_**You don't call me back**_

_**But you kiss me when you're drunk**_

"I love you too, Sheldon. Really. I never thought I'd say it, but it's true."

"Penny, because I love you, I think I have to let you go, as that popular slogan states," Sheldon said in all seriousness. At this, Penny pouted, and Sheldon felt a pang drum on his chest for making her unhappy.

"Let me explain. The physical symptoms, while assuaged by your delightful presence, will continue unless you are around me constantly. Now, I cannot ask you to abandon your day job at the Cheesecake Factory, nor can I ask you to move into our apartment for me to better be able to watch over you, but you will be in my thoughts constantly. If I don't have you, it will be easier for both of us." The explanation was weak in Sheldon's powerful mind, but he didn't know how to say that everything he was experiencing was totally outside his comfort zone, and while he wanted to venture outside the parameters of the comfort zone, he figured Penny wouldn't be happy taking a slow, coitus-free relationship to somewhere before full-term. He thought perhaps he would attempt to engage in coitus with her, but only with Penny. She was the only person on the planet whose mere touch didn't repulse him.

Penny's sea-green eyes welled up with tears.

"You don't love me, do you? This was just another one of your stupid experiments!" Behind the sadness was a touch of the anger that accompanied her Junior Rodeo castration method. Sheldon felt pity for his nether-regions, but he felt sadness and confusion, and he felt a slight pull on his heart that told him to tell Penny how he actually felt.

"Penny, I love you more than I have ever felt about anything else. You know how adverse to emotions I am. I do not think you would be happy in a coitus-free relationship, nor do I think you would be happy 'taking things slow', as the vernacular goes these days." Penny held her hand to her heart.

"Color me shocked. Sheldon Cooper the robot actually gives a damn about other people's feelings." She stood up, ready to pull Sheldon off the couch and push him out the door.

"Just go, Sheldon," Penny ordered. Sheldon stood, but refused to leave.

"I do love you, Penny," he said, desperation coloring his voice. " I only care about _your _feelings. I love you, but right now, I don't think a relationship would be good for either of us. I do love you, more than I can express. My love for you is bigger than there are digits in pi."

"I can't love you if you're going to run away," said Penny. "I want you, Sheldon, but you're making this hard." Sheldon grabbed Penny by the arm and kissed her.

"Do you doubt my promise? Perhaps we can try again in some epoch of time," Sheldon said, holding Penny around the waist and staring down into her eyes. "Never doubt me, Penny." With another kiss, he was gone.

Sheldon never wanted anyone as much as he wanted Penny. But they just couldn't be. And that pained him to no end. But he thought it was best for him and for Penny, so this was the way it had to be for now.

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><p>Please review? Thanks! :3<p> 


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